I don’t know what’s exactly with him that captivated my heart. I just know I’m in love him since I was 16.
I first met him during Christmas Institute (a United Methodist Youth Fellowship camp) 2005, (I was 14 at that time, and he was 15) and we were group mates in a cell group. I did not notice him at that time because he was so quiet, and because I became closer to his church mate. After that youth camp, we had another opportunities to see each other again and again in other UMC youth gatherings, until we became friends.
It was 2007 during the Vacation Church School teachers’ seminar-workshop when I started to admire him—maybe because, physically I found him cute; I also found that we had some things in common like we’re both youth officer with the same position in our local churches, we both love teaching children. I also admire the way he speaks—gentle and loving. Above all, I admire that he is godly. I had a lot of crushes, but I counted him already as my ultimate crush (hahaha!).
I used to call him ‘bespren,” and as far as I remember, he was the one who called me that first, but according to him, it was me (well, it doesn’t matter), and then soon we called each other “tol.” It pleases me when he’s calling me that way because it makes me feel being valued by him.
2010 was our first date (he was actually my first date). He asked me out during my 19th birthday, but we were with another friend. I felt really special that we celebrated my birthday together. My feelings to him grew deeply, and I know in my heart that it was more than just a crush, since I started to dream about him as my life-time partner. Though I know that I’m not his type of girl, I still chose to nurture my feeling towards him, even if it entails heartbreaks (drama!)—and it did many times. I know his stories about his relationships, temptations, and heartbreaks. However, I already learned not to judge him—I learned to just love him the best way I can, and see him as the best. I do not really remember how many times I have asked God to give him to me. However, I had to let this feeling go last 2014.
It was mid-November 2014 when I decided to finally confess my feelings, and before the confession, I prayed a lot, until I became confident enough that it was the right time. It was really shameful, and writing it right now makes me laugh, and bury my face in my hands again. Though, I did not regret what I already did because that changes everything.
After my confession, he just simply said, “Sige, basta walang magbabago sa atin. Friends pa din tayo.” That was a relief, although I was hoping that he feels the same way I do. At first, I thought that will work—although it did the first two weeks, we were not really the same as we were before. We started not to text each other, and I intentionally distanced myself to him. I admit that it pained me a lot that he did nothing about it, yet, I can feel and know that God has something great in store out of the situation. When he finally reached out, we both tried to restore our friendship (I actually recorded every conversation we had in my 2014 journal). However, it did not work again with me—because you know, the more I see him, the more I am connected with him, the more I became closer to him, the more I am wishing to have him as my boyfriend. Sadly, he was not ready yet. Though, I do appreciate when he said that he was afraid to hurt me. With this, I know that I have to let him go.
Letting him go was the most painful heartbreak I ever had. I thought I can never get through it. There was no day when I did not cry, asking God why it has to happen. I love him and he was the only man I see in my future with. However, during those painful moments, I also became more intimate with the One who never ever failed to love me—God Himself.
Through that pains, God taught me to trust Him. I also learned to praise and thank Him even in those moments that I am crying. The weeping moments became the best moments of my life because God Himself, His presence and love, was indeed the best reward.
Many months had passed when my heart was finally restored. Early 2015, I decided to be connected with him again through an FB messenger, thanking him for lending me his LET reviewer, and then he congratulated me for passing the exam. I’m glad that our friendship restored naturally.
Mid 2015, another friend of mine confessed his feelings and wooed me, until I said yes to him. However, my relationship with him did not work. During those painful months of my life, my “bespren” never failed to be with me, without taking advantage to my situation.
Another year had passed, and I realized that I am again falling in love with him. There were nights when I cried again to God-fearing that I might experience the same pain I had from 2014. I even asked God to take away my feelings (hahaha). However, unlike before, I learned now to trust God and not lean on my own understanding. This time, in my prayers, I am not asking God to give him to me, but let me be a blessing and an inspiration to him. I realized that that’s how I can love him the best. I also stopped waiting on him, but just start enjoying my every single moment with him. Without expectations, I learned to treat him as the best friend, thank God every day for giving him to me.
We became closer and our love for each other as friends grew. Until finally, one day in mid-November, he confessed his love for me. It was a dream I thought will never come true, but it did! Indeed, God knows the deepest desires of my heart.
December 3, 2017, was the happiest day of my life. I received not just the best surprise, but the best gift of my life. I finally not just found him, but have him, and promise to love him for the rest of my life.
I love you Khristian, my forever bespren, my love.